CASA 

Resources for Men

Myth vs. Reality:

Let's look at some mistaken beliefs about male sexual assault and uncover the realities behind the myths...

Myth: Men can't be sexually assaulted. Reality: Men are sexually assaulted. Any man can be sexually assaulted regardless of size, strength, appearance or sexual orientation.

Myth: Only gay men are sexually assaulted. Reality: Heterosexual, gay and bisexual men are equally likely to be sexually assaulted. Being sexually assaulted has nothing to do with your current or future sexual orientation. Your sexuality has no more to do with being raped than being robbed.

Myth: Only gay men sexually assault other men. Reality: Most men who sexually assault other men identify themselves as heterosexual. This fact helps to highlight another reality -- that sexual assault is about violence, anger, and control over another person, not lust or sexual attraction.

Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted by women. Reality: Although the majority of perpetrators are male, men can also be sexually assaulted by women.

Myth: Erection or ejaculation during a sexual assault means you "really wanted it" or consented to it. Reality: Erection and ejaculation are physiological responses that may result from mere physical contact or even extreme stress. These responses do not imply that you wanted or enjoyed the assault and do not indicate anything about your sexual orientation. Some rapists are aware how erection and ejaculation can confuse a victim of sexual assault -- this motivates them to manipulate their victims to the point of erection or ejaculation to increase their feelings of control and to discourage reporting of the crime

Unique Issues Faced By Male Survivors

There is great societal denial of the fact that men get sexually assaulted. Chances are most of us don't ever hear about the topic of male sexual assault. The need to deny the existence of male sexual assault is partly rooted in the mistaken belief that men are immune to being victimized, that they should be able to fight off any attacker if they are truly a "real man." A closely related belief is that men can't be forced into sex-- either they want it or they don't.

These mistaken beliefs allow many men to feel safe and invulnerable, and to think of sexual assault as something that only happens to women. Unfortunately, these beliefs can also increase the pain that is felt by a male survivor of sexual assault. These beliefs leave the male survivor feeling isolated, ashamed, and "less of a man."

No wonder so few men actually get help after being sexually assaulted. The fact is that only 5–20% of all victims of sexual assault actually report the crime-- the percentage for male victims is even lower. Feelings of shame, confusion and self-blame leave many men suffering in silence after being sexually assaulted.

Below are some of the unique problems and concerns that male survivors may experience:

For most men the idea of being a victim is very hard to handle. Men are often raised to believe that a man should be able to defend himself against all odds, or that he should risk his life or injury to protect his pride and self-respect. These beliefs about "manliness" and "masculinity" are deeply ingrained in most of us and can lead to intense feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy for the male survivor of sexual assault. Male survivors frequently see their assault as a loss of manhood and get disgusted with themselves for not "fighting back." Many male survivors may even question whether they deserved or somehow wanted to be sexually assaulted because, in their minds, they failed to defend themselves. These feelings are normal but the thoughts attached to them aren't necessarily true. Remind yourself that you did what seemed best at the time to survive-- there's nothing shameful about that.

As a result of their guilt, shame and anger some men punish themselves by getting into self-destructive behavior after being sexually assaulted. For lots of men, this means increased alcohol or drug use. For others, it means increased aggressiveness, like arguing with friends or co-workers or even picking fights with strangers. Many men pull back from relationships and wind up feeling more and more isolated. It's easy to see why male survivors of sexual assault are at increased risk for getting depressed, getting into trouble at work, getting physically hurt, or developing alcohol and drug problems.

Many male survivors also develop sexual difficulties after being sexually assaulted. It may be difficult to resume sexual relationships or start new ones because sexual contact may trigger flashbacks, memories of the assault, or just plain bad feelings. It can take time to get back to normal so don't pressure yourself to be sexual before you're ready.

For heterosexual men, sexual assault almost always causes some confusion or questioning about their sexuality. Since some people believe that only gay men are sexually assaulted, a heterosexual survivor may begin to believe that he must be gay or that he will become gay. Furthermore, perpetrators often accuse their victims of enjoying the sexual assault, leading some survivors to question their own experiences. In fact, being sexually assaulted has nothing to do with sexual orientation, past, present or future. People do not "become gay" as a result of being sexually assaulted.

For gay men, sexual assault can lead to feelings of self-blame and self-loathing attached to their sexuality. There is already enough homophobic sentiment in society to make many gay men suffer from internal conflicts about their sexuality. Being sexually assaulted may lead a gay man to believe he somehow "deserved it," that he was "paying the price" for his sexual orientation. Unfortunately, this self-blame can be reinforced by the ignorance or intolerance of others who blame the victim by suggesting that a gay victim somehow provoked the assault or was less harmed by it because he was gay. Gay men may also hesitate to report a sexual assault due to fears of blame, disbelief or intolerance by police or medical personnel. As a result gay men may be deprived of legal protections and necessary medical care following an assault.

Some sexual assaults of men are actually forms of gay-bashing, motivated by fear and hatred of homosexuality. In these cases, perpetrators may verbally abuse their victims and imply that the victim deserved to be sexually assaulted. It's important to remember that sexual assault is an act of violence, power and control and that no one deserves it.

Why We Know Men Care

Men Know Survivors

·     Many of you know someone who has been victimized – peer, friends, partners or family members. And you choose to be supportive. 

Men Can Stop Rape      

·     Rape is a choice. All men play a role by challenging rape and assault-supporting attitudes

What Wentworth Men Say They Do…

The following are actual quotes taken from male Wentworth students in response to the question:

“When you hear or see something that is demeaning, how do you respond?”

1.  The “Silent Stare”:

“A disapproving look can be powerful.”

2.  The “Bring it Home”:

“I hope no one ever talks to you like that.” or “What if someone said your girlfriend deserved to be raped?”

3.  The “We’re Friends, Right…” :

            “My friends won't hang out in our room because of the posters you have up on the wall."

How You Can Make a Difference:

·     Watch out for your friends. Don’t be a passive bystander if it seems your friends are entering a potentially risky situation.

·     Interrupt sexist jokes and comments that insult women or place them in an inferior position

·     Avoid excessive use of substances and don’t coerce others to use.  Although alcohol consumption may put an individual at an increased risk of sexual assault, the survivor is in no way responsible for the assault. The perpetrators are responsible for the assault and the choices they made.

·      Spread the truth that being turned down for sex doesn’t necessarily mean rejection of you as a person. Saying no means just means an unwillingness for a specific act at a specific time.

·      Spread the truth that you can’t assume that spending money on a date entitles you to sexual intimacy.

·      Don’t allow others to force or attempt to force sexual relations with another person.